What is self anyways?

The more I learn new knowledge about everything I can, the less attached to my sense of self I become. Especially reading about the quantum mechanics and that realm. It feels like I’m slowly slipping away from my identity as any kind of self, and merely just a self aware energy source, who happens to be in this body.

I actually asked myself “Who is Charley, really” the other day. Not in any ‘trying to find myself’ kind of way, but quite literally what the fuck is my own self-awareness. Thinking that then led me to realize just how limited I am merely by speaking a language at all. The value in it is that I’m (at what now feels like a purely primitive level) able to sort out thoughts. But my thoughts are all connected to, and bound by, the language that shapes them. Can we think without words? Those must be emotions, feelings, instinct. Things we can’t put into words, but definitely affect us.

Considering E=mc², it quite literally means we’re only made of two things, either energy, or mass. That’s it. There’s nothing else. My body, without my mind, is just mass. My mind, without my body (considering the conscious as best I know cannot be weigh’d, though there’s arguments about the mass lost during death and yadda yadda) cannot be weighed, therefore is more or less pure energy.

Consciousness then? I’ve come to the conclusion that my own self awareness is the equals sign in Einstein’s equation, which allows for the balance, and transfer of energy from one form to another. It allows energy to manipulate mass, and vice versa, because it’s a two way street.

Considering that all I am is energy, the sense of any kind of identity slips away, because all mass as energy means we’re all made from the same fundamental stuff. So what is that self awareness? The question of why will likely never be answered in my lifetime, and the comfort of being ok with that is challenging, but a bit of a blessing.

Detaching from a sense of self really removes any kind of fear in a way, while simultaneously generating a tremendous amount of fear based as perspective zooms out further and further, revealing that my very existence is less than even a speck in time and space.

What’s it all mean? I don’t know, but at this point I think I just need to keep reading.

Let me know what you all think about this. I’m curious.

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